Wake Up Call!

A news item in the Huffington Post was brought to my attention a few days ago that just breaks my heart. A mother in Michigan was arrested recently for attempting to kill herself and her 14 year old daughter Isabelle who is autistic. The article talks briefly about the family's most recent struggles with an aggressive, sometimes violent, child, a promising but prohibitively expensive treatment program, and battles with insurance companies and school personnel painting a picture of a defeated and desperate woman. In her blog, "The Status Woe", Kelli Stapleton wrote about her daughter. Her posts chronicle many of the ups and downs, the small victories and disheartening setbacks that seem to go hand in hand with raising a special needs child. In her stories there is hope and despair, joy and sorrow, pride and guilt. It is clear, at least to me, she loves Isabelle. While I will never understand or condone her actions in trying to kill her own child, I would be lying if I said I couldn't identify with the emotional roller coaster depicted in her blog entries.

Being a parent is not easy. Being a parent of a child or children with special needs is hard. For those of you with typically developing children, let me try to explain a little what I mean. Think back to when you had infants and toddlers, maybe you still do. They demand your focus and attention every waking moment they are with you. You are constantly running after them, making sure they are fed, cleaned, clothed, healthy, safe, engaged, socialized and overall, happy. As kids get older, things change. As parents, you take a step back as they take on more and more of those responsibilities themselves. You still need to supervise of course but it is done from more of a distance the older they get until they are grown and on their own.

But what if things didn't change? What if stepping back and letting your kids do for themselves was not an option? That's what it's like when your kids have special needs. It doesn't matter if they're 5, 10 or 15 or even 20! You're still running around after them making sure they're eating, bathing, brushing their teeth, properly dressed, healthy, safe, engaged, socialized and, hopefully, happy. When they're in school, you are worrying about whether their needs are being met, wondering if you're going to get a negative report or the dreaded call from administrators that there's been "an incident". When they succeed, you feel as if your heart will burst with pride. When they fall, your heart breaks for them. Living with this stress every day, we may not realize the toll it takes on us both physically and emotionally.

There are other challenges too. Having special needs children can be very isolating. Friendships are just as hard for us as they are for our kids both in the making and maintaining. It can be hard to make friends with parents of typically developing kids either because they can't relate to our situation or because many times we feel they are judging us or our kids, and sometimes maybe they are. The friendships we do have can be difficult to maintain if we don't feel we can make time for them.

We are all susceptible to dark days. I can tell you I have had a few. There have been times I felt so alone, defeated, like the whole world was against me and my kids. I felt I was failing them. Other days I have resented them. I felt sorry for myself and my situation. This would inevitably lead to feelings of overwhelming guilt and self-loathing.  Then there are the angry days where I just want to strangle someone like an ignorant teacher, an insensitive administrator, a bully at school.....and his/her friends who stand around and either egg him/her on or do nothing.....and his/her parents!!

Wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah.

The simple fact is many of us spend so much time meeting the needs of our children, we are constantly neglecting our own needs. Let this tragic incident be a wake up call. We need to stop. We have to take care of our own physical and emotional well-being. If we sacrifice ourselves in the process of caring for our children, everyone we care about, including those children, will eventually pay the price. While I think I can safely say that only a very small percentage of parents would ever consider harming their children, there are other, more common dangers to consider. Things like clinical depression, increased risk of heart problems or stroke, separation and/or divorce just to name a few.

What can we do?

• We must take care of ourselves by making healthy choices, at least once in a while. A scone and mocha from Starbucks is NOT a healthy breakfast (I know, I was surprised too!).
• We must not neglect our health. Keep up with yearly exams. You're no good to anyone if you're sick. 
  
• We must not neglect our other relationships like our spouses and our typically developing children. Try scheduling "date nights" with your spouse AND each of your other children. It doesn't have to cost any money. It's about the time and individual attention.
  
• We must take a little time out every day for ourselves. It's OK to be a little selfish. Indulge in a favorite hobby. Read a book. Have lunch with a friend. Go see a movie.
• We must, at least once a year, get away; preferably with your spouse, but with girlfriends, a church group or extended family is OK too. If you have no one to care for your special needs kids, check out your local support groups. Some may have weekend you-take-care-of-mine-and-I'll-take-care-of-yours groups or weekend camps/services they can recommend.

Taking care of ourselves and our needs is one of the most important things we can do for our special kids. The healthier we are, the better we are able to care for them.

Plus, we're teaching healthy habits too. Bonus!!